It has been a few weeks since Camden’s placement test for early admissions into kindergarten. I haven’t been willing to write about it because I just have been beating myself up since it happened. With that being said, he didn’t pass. He didn’t pass and I didn’t have the guts to even tell him that he didn’t. I mean he came out with the test administrator so happy and so proud of himself.
I feel like it was my fault. He could have done so much better had I been more on top of things. There was a time when I was sitting with him and teaching him more and going over his work. We were working on his hooked on phonics every night. Then life happened. I got so caught up in my job and trying to do more to get ahead that I neglected him and his studies. I fell off as a parent.
I come from a preschool teaching background. I was doing that for the last 10 years before working in the government. I needed the break though. I was so tired of working with kids and feeling like I was doing nothing but work when I got home. I wanted to try something new. I wanted to connect with people my age and hold adult conversations at work. And that’s just what I got.
Camden went off to a new Pre-k and I went to work for the government. He made friends and was introduced to a larger classroom setting, while I got to have lunch with adults who didn’t throw their food. I guess the disconnect was that I know my son is smart. I know that he knows what they are teaching him in school. I just didn’t help with preparing him for this test. I didn’t do my part. I let this school he is at, which I hate, be the only education he got for an entire year.
The week of the test I started to freak out. I had been praying that he would pass but I let doubt set in. I printed out some worksheets and tried to practice his sight words with him, and there was nothing. He acted like I was teaching him a foreign language. I PANICKED! Completely freaked out. My son was going to fail this test because of me. How does one handle that?
Well they go into a state of depression. After he failed the test, I cried on the way to work. Coke tried to call me to see how he did, I didn’t want to talk. Family and friends were excited to know what happened, I had nothing but “He didn’t pass”. I went to work and let everyone know that I wasn’t in the mood and that I didn’t want to talk about it. I had a horrible day! Came home got in bed and just watched television and cried the whole night. How could I have done this to my baby boy? Why did I slack off? Why aren’t I on top of things?
I have been so focused on getting more and being more that I had forgot the things that are important to me. The one thing that matters more than anything, Camden! I have been so stuck on trying to give him more stuff that I didn’t even notice that I wasn’t giving him my attention. Had I been paying attention I would have noticed the test was coming up. I would have been studying with him more. I would have been able to talk to him about not being shy and being confident in his answers. Had I been paying more attention I would have noticed that I was failing him.
I beat myself up so bad. It took me so long to get over this. Hence the reason I haven’t said anything about it. There are so many reasons why I wanted him to pass this test. The main one being that I just couldn’t afford another year of Pre-K. There aren’t any free preschools in my area for working single moms. You pretty much have to be homeless or not working at all to be able to get your child into public Pre-K. Which I find to be absurd! ((That’s a blog for another day!))
I am better now. I am over the fact that I made some mistakes. I have decided that I will do better. What matters is that I pay attention to Camden. That I notice when he needs help or me. What is important is that I am there for him instead of just trying to provide for him. All in all, I am in a better place with it currently and Camden, as far as he is concerned, is on his way to Kindergarten.