The hardest thing I have had to do with getting married and blending our families, has been learning to turn off being a single mom. For almost 6 years I have been the only parent. I have had to spank Camden and then cuddle him after. I have had to make all the decisions. It’s is so hard to play both roles in parenting. Mostly because you have to train yourself as a woman to go against your maternal instincts.As women we are caring and nurturing first. We have more compassion than the dads usually do. We are the ones that fight for our children to have their way. But when you are a single parent, you are the good cop and the bad cop. You have to learn how to see things from both sides. I have had serval conversations with myself on which choices I should make for my son. Sometimes I can’t sleep at night because I had no one to talk to about these decisions. It’s all on me. And there was a lot of pressure with that.
There is the fear that you will get it wrong. There is the sense that you don’t care enough about certain things. Then not to mention the fact that you don’t know it all. I am not a man, so trying to teach Camden how to be one is a hard job. I spend a lot of my time on the internet researching how to parent. As a single mom, I had no confidant. There was no partner that I could run to and talk to and figure things out. I had to do it alone. And I got pretty darn good at it. I mean honestly, I have mastered it. For almost 6 years, I have learned to be the best “mom&dad” a child could ask for.
But now here I am bringing a dad in on the scene. Here I am thinking that we will care to the same level that I have all these years. I don’t know how a parental unit works. I don’t get that one parent might be concerned and the other might not care as much. I don’t understand laziness and carefree attitudes. Because I wasn’t afforded those luxuries. It’s been hard to work for me. I have ran the race and haven’t had a moment to stop for water or his father subbing me out. I have done it alone. But here I am.
And it’s the hardest thing!! Sometimes I care so much about a thing. Most times I care so much that it makes me upset that he doesn’t. I over parent. Rightfully so because I have always had to. Things have to be done a certain way as far as I am concerned. But that’s not even the hardest part. I have to now do something that I have been doing for the last 6 years very differently. I have to allow someone else to have an opinion. I have to pass the baton. What if he doesn’t do it right? What if he drops it? What if he doesn’t care enough? See he has had the advantage all these years with his son. He has had the comfort of the mother to bounce ideas off of. He was able to have a break from the constant go of parenting. He was able to do it right.
Me not so much. I have had to make it up as I go. I have had to make up the rules of the race. There are times where I have to cheat just so I can make sure that Camden gets to the finish line just like everyone else. I have had to fight people that have come in my way. I have had to cry on my own shoulder. Now here I am letting him help me. My whole mission in life is to never let Camden have anything less than what a child has in a two parent household. I haven dropped the ball in some areas, of course. But I was to blame and it’s easier for me to blame myself than someone else. It is very hard sharing these roles. I always thought it was something that I would want to do and needed for Camden. But now I just see how hard it is. I know there should be a common ground. I know we will figure it out. But I just need to let go and know that I am not in this alone. I have to turn off the single mom switch and pass the baton. We might not run the race the same but I am sure we will finish.