Hot topic right? Well of course it is. It’s the top three reasons most couples get divorced and for a really long time, it’s been hard to even pinpoint why sex changes when you get married.
I think most of the changes start with women. Meaning that we as women start to view sex totally differently once we get married. Maybe not right away but definitely as time progresses. Then if you add children to the mix it changes even more. Most times when you are dating someone and start having sex, it’s a thrill. For one, most people already feel like they are living on the wild side because sex before marriage is frowned upon. Then add in how you are just getting to know each other and the adventure that comes with that. In the beginning sex is about passion and lust.
I think this is why the key to a successful marriage is that you wait. I won’t go into all of the benefits of waiting until marriage but basically that thrill and that passion takes longer to fizzle out when you and your partner both are learning and growing in intimacy together.
But you didn’t wait, and who am I to judge, neither did I. So we are here now and we are 4 years or maybe even 10 years into marriage and its a shift. Of course there is the usually issues that everyone talks about:
- there is no time for sex – You both have busy lives and you just don’t have the time
- the kids make having sex hard – between kids in the bed with you and kids being up all hours of the night it makes it semi impossible to have sex
- Less time alone- There isn’t any time to yourself to actually have sex
- Lack of Drive- you just aren’t in the mood
All of these we know exist. And we aren’t taking that away from the issue either. But have you ever stopped to think that, what you once found attractive about your partner you aren’t actually attracted to anymore? I know for me sex is less about how good Corey looks on a given day and more about what Corey is doing. I am less attracted to the guy that just had to show up when we were dating and more attracted to the guy that shows up now that we are married. A lot of people will say it’s the man doing the chores around the house will turn women on. And I think even that is surface level. I love to see Corey helping out. But after awhile, washing dishes isn’t going to cut it. Just like being cute stopped cutting it three years ago.
The more I grow to know my husband the more my attraction for him changes. Last year when cru was a baby I was attracted to Corey when he would help out with bedtime. The year before that when we first moved into our new home, I was turned on when Corey would wash the dishes or finish a project around the house. As time and life shifts, so do our attractions. I know for men this doesn’t matter as much. They are turned on by the physical. So I can’t just pretend that it’s their issue. Most of the lack of sex does stem from the women.
Now, if I am being honest the only way to fix this is communication. Which is another thing most couples struggle with, ironically. But if you are in a healthy relationship, being able to talk to your spouse and tell them what you need is a must. I have shared this before and I will continue to share this, marriage check ins are key to success. On those hard to come by date nights, check in with your spouse. A good 5-10 minute conversation is all you need. You don’t want it to turn into a fight or argument. So keep it short and sweet. Make sure you are asking each other if y’all needs are being met. Keep it light and then move on. Take note of what he is saying and add it to your to-do list. That’s it. No need for a drawn out chat about why. Does it really matter why he needs it? Just give him what he needs.
So basically sex changes because needs for us women change. We have already grown in love with our husbands, thought the physical, now it’s time to connect on a more inward level. The emotional part of the relationship is what you have to tap into in order to bring the sex drive back into your marriage. Well, let’s not forget that you might also need to hire a sitter or book a staycation as well, hahaha!