Over the last 3-4 months I have been struggling with feeling like I have lost myself since having Cru. People say that PP is one of those depressions that comes right after having a baby, when you can’t get over the baby blues. Well that’s a common misconception. For some women, like myself, you can experience PP months after having your little one. Another misconception is that you have this unhealthy desire to harm your child or hurt your child. When I find that I have made Cru the center of my world and without him I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.
Over the past three months I have distanced myself from friends, family, and even my husband at times. It’s not every day. It’s not even something that people can see generally when they are around me. For the most part I am a pretty normal girl. I just have these inward feelings of self doubt and unhappiness. You are probably asking yourself when did I notice that this was happening to me? When did I start to figure out that this could be something more than a mood swing or just wanting time to myself? It was probably Mother’s Day. I started crying in the car as we were pulling up to my parent’s house and I just couldn’t place my emotions. I dreaded the day. I didn’t want any parts of it and I didn’t want to spend the day with my family.
My pregnancy had been pretty hard as well. From Corey stepping out on our marriage, to having a hard time connecting with my step son. I just felt like I was in a constant battle to push everything under the rug ignorer to stay healthy for my unborn child. Then now realizing that I probably never fully dealt with those situations. I put them away because I didn’t have the room to deal with them. Now here we are almost a year later and I am still putting emotions aside. Trying to stay strong and carry the load of raising three kids. Trying to still be fun and cute and loving with the people around me. Trying to just be it all!
So I’m pretty sure that I am dealing with Postpartum depression. What have I decided to do? I’ve decided to talk to my doctor about it. Speak to other women who I know are also dealing with it. And to read more about it and do what I can at home to help make everyday a little more doable.
I have also started reading more and learning more about CBD and all the benefits of CBD oils. This weekend I purchased my first pen to see if it would help to calm and relax me during intense moments of stress and frustration. Every day is different than the day before. No day is the same. But everyday I have been making an effort to change and get my life back.
When it comes to dealing with my friends and family. That might actually be the hardest part. I just don’t always have the urge to get into it with them about what I am dealing with. Or even care enough to share it. I don’t know if that’s because I just constantly feel like I need space and I just don’t want to be bothered by other people or if I just don’t like the idea of making excuses for my behavior. Either way I am also playing this on a day by day term. Today I don’t feel like it, so I’m not!
If you are reading this and you have felt the same way then I’m here with you. If you are reading this and have no idea of what I could possibly mean, don’t judge. Until you have walked in my shoes or anyone’s who have gone through this, you can’t judge the situation. Just know that I have a new found respect for the women all over the world who have to deal with PP regardless if it’s a small case or has gone to the extreme cases. It’s real and it really effects moms in more ways than one. But we should all be hear for each other and do what we can to help support each other.
To hear the full story of how I feel and how I am getting through this, check out my latest podcast!