If you follow my blog then you should remember me writing about my rape in an older post, My Testimony Before The Test. If you haven’t been following I suggest you check that post out first so you are all caught up.
Well, here I am, married and struggling in my sex life. I reread that post before I decided to write this and I cried and weeped the entire time. At first, I wasn’t going to write about this. It’s super personal and doesn’t just speak about me but my husband as well. But I decided that I needed an outlet. I needed to tell my story and keep telling it because I think God works on me through this blog and all my readers. Not only that, but I am in therapy now and I believe this is something that I should do to help me heal.
Coke and I have went some time without sex. I know that seems crazy because here I am 16 weeks pregnant. But if I am being completely honest, that was the first time and last time, in a long time. After reading that post I feel like the Devil is really trying me. It’s not my marriage, being unhappy, or my husband that has caused the drought. It’s my past. It is the intimacy.
I have never been the person that liked to really be kissed, touched, cuddled, or anything mushy. I really struggle with sexual intimacy. And it just so happens that the person that I am married to, is the complete opposite. The Devil has been trying to tell me that it’s because I missed God and this wasn’t the guy for me. I can hear him so clearly “I thought that God said your husband wouldn’t care about the sex and he would be there for you through ‘your issues’?” And honestly I started to believe him. My husband is bother by my lack of physical touch. He is upset with me and he has had a hard time dealing with this. But how could I blame him? Months without sex, thats a big freaking deal.
So what exactly is causing me to not be able to perform? I am going to take you through my mind if that’s possible and I am going to hopefully help myself and maybe someone who is reading this.
My rape happened when I was 18 years old. I had never really had sex at that point. I mean I did but you know teenage sex and only a handful of times before being raped. My rape also happened in a house full of all my closest friends at the time. People I trusted, my roommate, and friends that I thought I would have for the rest of my life. I wasn’t drunk. I say that because there was alcohol involved and I didn’t drink that night so I can fully recall everything. My rapist was a friend. He was someone that I saw all the time and continued to see days, even years after the attack.
To get a little more into it, I had an orgasm during my attack. This took me a long time to understand and move past. I was pinned down on the floor and he held me really tight around my neck. I say this because afterwards when I was with a man I needed the same treatment in order to reach climax. I never was mushy because the very first real orgasm that I had was with my rapist and I associated that pleasure with rough sex. “Making Love” was never and has never been up my alley.
So fast forward to dating and not going anywhere in that department. I was not your typical girl. I thought more like a guy in most of my relationships. Sex first and if love was in the cards that came later. And when love actually did come, I usually ran. Once things stopped being fun and sexy they got boring for me. After my rape I didn’t let my guard down with anyone, not friends, family, or boyfriends. I didn’t trust people in general.
Now I am here. Very much in love with my husband, but for the first time ever I have to express that love and I don’t know how. The fun and the sexy is sorta fading out. Not because we weren’t having fun or enjoying the marriage. But the fun for me personally started to turn into intimacy. It’s now like I am settled in and I have to stay here. I can’t run and I don’t want to. But, that’s been my motive the last 13 years. Get out before you have to trust him and fall deeper in love with him. So my thought is to leave. Everyday for the last 6 months I have had to fight off the urge to walk out because of fear.
The Devil knows that he can’t attack me with the dreams anymore. He can’t get me with the panic attacks because I’m strong and have over come that. Plus I know that he hates a union. If he break up my marriage he will have won. I would be divorced and I would never again trust myself or another man. If I walked away from this today, he will win. I HAVE TO FIGHT! And let me tell you how hard it is to fight off a demon thats been with you for this long. It’s not just fighting the intimacy. I am fighting who I have been for all of my adult life. I have to step outside of my comfort zone. I have to do the things that I have conditioned myself to not do. I have to force myself to be intimate in ways that my body fears. For the longest I have hidden my emotions in fear that I wasn’t good enough to be treated the way my husband desires to treat me. I’ve loved guys that didn’t love me, who didn’t see me, who controlled me, who emotionally and physically abused me. I loved the guys who didn’t rape me but all they wanted was the sex all the same.
Again, this blog wasn’t for you. It’s for me. But since you are reading this, do me a solid and keep me and my marriage lifted up in your prayers. Hopefully this has helped someone else. Because for me, I believe from here God can finally truly heal me!